


I Need Your Love

by ubiquitousness



Series: A Little Spot of Merthur [6]
Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Angst, Arthurs POV, Hospitals, M/M, Smoking, this ended up so much more sad than I thought it would
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-19
Updated: 2013-07-19
Packaged: 2017-12-20 16:29:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,793
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/889405
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ubiquitousness/pseuds/ubiquitousness
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A month away is a month too long and it was damaging to Arthur's health. More than he would admit.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Need Your Love

**Author's Note:**

> This was originally really badly written, but it's been years since I posted this and I have decided to update it. Thank you so much for reading this! 9/1/2016

Arthur watched as the smoke lifted into the air. As gray as his heart and as empty as his soul. Cliche? Probably. Right? Absolutely. 

Arthur had never smoked in his life, but three weeks ago Gwaine presented the temptation to him with raised eyebrows that weren't going down, so Arthur gave in. It was the worst mistake of his life- no it was the second worst mistake of his life. It was addictive and horrible and tasted like shit but one mistake after another was something Arthur was good at. His father made sure he was aware of it. 

But this mistake was only the knife into the burnt cake. It was ruining his health, and he would be damned if he couldn't feel his lungs screaming for him to stop. But he couldn't. Stopping meant having to find something else to fill the void that was apparently incapable of being filled. The Merlin-sized void. 

A month ago they had gotten into a fight. And that was putting it lightly. 

Monday was normal. Tuesday seemed to go on for ever. Wednesday the silent treatment started. Thursday seemed normal but the tension was there. By Friday the tension had to come out and it came out in screams, punches, kicks, angry sex, and a Merlin - who had packed his bag Thursday - walking out the door when he thought that Arthur was asleep but wasn't.

The first week without Merlin was quiet. Arthur wasn't reachable Saturday, missed a lunch date with Morgana on Sunday, yelled at the mailman Monday, and cried the rest of the week. That was the only sound that could be heard in the flat, but Arthur swore he heard a key in the lock, the turn of the doorknob, Merlin's cup hit the counter, a light switch turned on, and a sigh. It was crazy because he was the only one in the flat, but that first week was the denial stage. He knew that Merlin had to come back because a year of being together and even more of being friends didn't just _end_. Not like that anyways. 

So when Merlin didn't come back that first week, Arthur found a way to forget about it. But, that involved partying every night, drinking till he could feel his liver die, having sex with random people and even giving in to a bunch of things that Gwaine offered. Which included sex and cigarettes. The idea behind it was that Arthur was never going to get over Merlin by _not_ fucking anybody, and smoking was a perk that could ease the pain. However, both of those things simply added to the pain and guilt Arthur felt. 

The third week included twice as much smoking, half the amount of sex, and Arthur going to work - sulking more than getting anything done. He would have been fired if he wasn't the boss's son. Nah, he still would have been fired, but he was given more sympathy than eye rolls and judgment. By Friday, he had a pack a day, hadn't touched alcohol in a week, and had decided he was better off not having sex at all. Every touch reminded him of Merlin's and it was driving him crazy. 

Sunday of the fourth week was the worse yet. At some point, Arthur had gotten over the idea that Merlin was coming back. So, when he unexpectedly saw him through the window of a coffee store eighteen blocks from the flat, he flipped. A pack a day went to two, alcohol was reintroduced to his liver, and the crying he stopped in the first week came back. Sunday was a blur - he kept replaying that moment he saw Merlin over and over and over and over in his head. Merlin was at the counter, so he couldn't see his face. But he didn't need to see his face to know that mop of hair at the top, the way his jeans fit over his ass but fell away from his legs because they were too skinny, the way his shoulders seemed to always be tense, and those devilish fingers that held the money and then the cup of Earl Grey tea because that's what Merlin had on Sunday mornings. Earl Grey tea with a half-spoonful of sugar. 

Arthur stood there for a few seconds, until he realized that he was staring into Merlin's eyes. They were gray instead of brilliant blue, and surrounded by dark pools of bags. When Arthur realized that he was staring and being stared at in return, he turned around and headed towards the flat, eighteen blocks of pure defeat. And he didn't stop. He didn't run either, but he didn't stop even when Merlin's voice yelled his name. It was pointless, a dying dream that they would ever be together again and if he stopped he would fall down the rabbit hole again and he wouldn't get out. He would be stuck in Merlin-land forever and it was pointless and bad for his health. Other people would tell him that Merlin was his health and without him he would die, but he ignored those people. 

Monday went without a hitch, except that's when the emails began. He only had one pack Monday because he didn't remember much of the day before. However, he started to drink at ten in the morning because Merlin emailed him. He didn't know what the email said; he deleted it without second thought. On Tuesday he had second thoughts that it might be worth a look because it was still in the trash folder. But he changed his mind when he received another email from Merlin (because let's face it, Merlin knew him too well and he knew that he would delete the first one) that he deleted that one as well. That day he didn't drink, and went down to half a pack. Thoughts weren't that bad as he tried to focus on work. 

Wednesday was just like Tuesday except this time it was a text message that Arthur accidentally happened to open. _"I hope your well. Please call me."_ But he didn't call. What would that do? He hadn't thought about _why_ Merlin had left, hell he couldn't even remember what happened that week. And Merlin would want to talk about it. Merlin always wanted to talk. Maybe that was the problem. Anyways, Arthur didn't respond, but he didn't need to. Merlin would know anyways that there was no calling, at least not that day. Only half a pack, no alcohol. 

Thursday was when it hit. The excessive alcohol and cigarettes and all. All he could remember was coughing too much and his heart racing and the next thing he knew he was in the hospital bed waking up to find Morgana beside him in a chair. She had said that he passed out from coughing, that his lungs were trying to get rid of the bad somehow. His liver was fine, by magic probably. But, the doctors had said that he needed to stop smoking - cold turkey - if he wanted to keep his lungs from completely failing. Arthur agreed and said that he would but he knew that if Merlin wasn't back there was no getting healthy. And Arthur was determined that Merlin was never coming back and he was okay with dying because dying was always better than living without Merlin. 

Friday, he was still in the hospital. He was asleep when Merlin came in, but Merlin was asleep when Arthur woke up. Arthur didn't even have to look or open his eyes to know that he was there because he could feel his presence. And oddly enough, it was like he was already healthy again and in some ways it sucked but in most ways it was the greatest feeling he had had in a month. It was better than the sex with strangers, the crazy amount of alcohol he had, and the piles of cigarette boxes laying on his flat floor. It was better than the sun hitting his face after a day of being inside and a hot shower when he was freezing. Merlin was just that good. 

"Merlin," Arthur muttered gently moving Merlin's shoulder. 

Merlin woke up, shaking his head to get rid of the sleep before looking at Arthur. Though Arthur was the one in the hospital bed, he was surprised that Merlin hadn't been there first. The bags under his eyes had somehow grown since Sunday, his hair was greasier than usual, and he looked pale. Which was almost impossible if one knew Merlin. He looked dead. 

"Hi Arthur," Merlin stammered out. "How are you feeling?"

"Better now that you're here," Arthur truthfully responded, still focusing on Merlin's dying eyes. 

"You look better than you did yesterday."

"You were here yesterday?" Arthur asked. He had been asleep most of yesterday, yes, but Morgana had told him that only Uther had visited. 

"Yeah, for a bit. I got the call first, when you came here. I guess I'm still your emergency number. But, I called Morgana because I didn't think you wanted to see me."

Merlin was bad at being nervous. It showed. The way he flicked his focus everywhere except one's eyes, the twitch of his left hand, the slight curve of his mouth, his right hand scratching an invisible itch on the back of his neck. When one knew him enough, they could tell when he was nervous or lying, so normally he just told the truth. 

"Don't ever think I don't want to see you," Arthur responded, deciding to look away from Merlin.

"You didn't stop when I called you at the coffee shop on Sunday," Merlin reasoned. 

"Because I couldn't. I was trying to forget you."

There was silence for a while - what felt like hours. A nurse had come in to check on Arthur, change his IV and told him that he would be released the next day. Saturday. Those were his bad days. Mostly because that was date night. Thinking about date night was bad for him.

It was ten minutes after the nurse left when Merlin spoke again. 

"I want to be here when they release you. I want to get you back to the flat to be sure you are okay and stuff." 

Arthur thought about it for a minute. It was like the rabbit had come when he was sleeping and he unknowingly followed him down the hole back into Merlin-land. But somehow it was okay, because Arthur already felt better. And of course their relationship wasn't better, and he didn't know if he was one hundred percent willing to work for it. But he would try, for Merlin, because it looked like they needed each other more than they needed peace. Together was peace, from dying. 

"Okay," Arthur eventually said. 

"You want to tell me about it?" About the month that no one will ever acknowledge happened.

"No."

More silence that was becoming too hard to bare. 

"Merlin?" Arthur quietly asked.

"Yes?" 

"Why did you come back?"

Arthur let Merlin think for a second as he watched the silent show on the television. He couldn't tell what it was but he wasn't paying attention to it really. It was just there, just a distraction from having to look at each other. 

"I don't know," Merlin resigned with. 

"Are you going to go away again?" Arthur asked after a minute. 

"I don't know."

Arthur knew he was being ridiculous, asking to many questions, having a conversation with an 25 year old like he himself was 7, but he couldn't help it. He needed to know because he couldn't remember. 

"Why did you leave?"

"You mean...you don't remember? Anything?"

Arthur shook his head before saying "Not much. Not what was said anyways. I remember the tension, the anger, you leaving. I don't remember why or anything," Arthur admitted.

It had bothered him, not being able to remember why Merlin left. He felt as if he had known, he would know what to do to get Merlin back. Despite the fact that he figured Merlin would never be back, he knew that he would fight to get him back should the opportunity arise. But because he didn't know what he had done for Merlin to leave, the opportunity never came up. That and he made it a point to ignore Merlin and everything that revolved around Merlin. 

"Um...it doesn't matter Arthur. I'm back now. You should just focus on getting better."

And that was that. Merlin stayed the whole day. There was mostly silence in the hospital room, but sometimes they would talk about the past - their childhood and growing up together and the stupid things they did before they went to university. When Saturday rolled around, Merlin began to pace back and forth in front of the bed. 

"What are you going on about, Merlin?" Arthur asked, getting quite frustrated with Merlin's nervous antic. 

"I haven't been home since I left and you honestly haven't kept up with your own health, so I am thinking about the state of the flat."

Arthur looked at Merlin for a minute, watching his mind turn over and over in thought. 

"Bullshit. What's really wrong?" Arthur forcefully asked. 

Merlin stopped, gulped and turned towards the blond. 

"You seriously don't remember why I left, do you?"

"No! I don't!"

"I... I cheated on you and you found out and we tried to talk about it but you _don't talk_ and all I wanted to do was talk because that's how I get over things. As the week went on, you hid from me more and more and Wednesday I don't know what happened, but we fought and fought and fought and wouldn't stop and there was so much yelling and screaming and punching, I almost thought you would kill me you were so mad, but you never did any of the punching, it was me. You don't bruise easily do you? But it went on for hours. Screaming, calming down, me saying something stupid and starting the screaming all over again. I don't know why the cops weren't called but they weren't and I'm happy because one of us in jail would not have worked and I left because I thought it was what you wanted. I think somewhere in the all the yelling you told me I was worthless, so I left. It was wrong of me and I should have stayed and worked it out but I didn't. I felt like I had to leave, like it was what you wanted and I couldn't handle it. I'm sorry, Arthur. I'm so very sorry."

Arthur stared at Merlin, looking for some lie. But, it wasn't there. The tears that flowed from Merlin's eyes and the shake of his shoulders told Arthur that everything he said was the truth. It was Arthur's fault for not remembering, for not talking. He knew he should have talked more. 

"Don't be. It's my fault too. I guess I should have talked about it, but I don't remember anything. I don't remember finding out, yelling at you, or anything. I never want you to feel like you have to leave me, because we can obviously see how that worked out. We are both a mess and look like we've been homeless for years. Please just promise me you won't leave again?" Arthur begged from his bed. 

Merlin agreed by nodding his head as he wiped tears off of his face. 

"Come here," Arthur said acknowledging the spot next him as he scooted over to make room. Merlin walked over in four steps, sat down in two seconds and was resting comfortably against Arthur in four. 

"I'm so sorry," Merlin pleaded again.

"Stop saying that."

"Never," Merlin playfully replied. 

They were quiet as they waited for the nurse to come release Arthur from the hospital. The car ride was just as quiet, but they held hands most of the way home because Merlin was just that good at driving. 

Things didn't go back to normal right away. Most relationships don't. But, the flat got cleaned, they shared their first kiss (again) about two weeks after Arthur got home from the hospital. On date night of course. It was just as good as the first one, but even better because it was after the month no one spoke of. 

Arthur never smoked again, but he would be lying if he said he didn't think about it. And he never remembered that week clearly, and he didn't ask either. It was pointless to ask about it because he didn't want to leave Merlin-land. Going up the rabbit hole was not an option. He needed Merlin too much for that.

**Author's Note:**

> Not much was editing out or in, but it did give me some great personal feedback on what to write for a chapter of Flaws of Fate, which I am very excited to finish. Thank you for reading! Leave a comment like always. (9/1/2016)


End file.
